To Just Be Me Again

I don’t have much to write about these days. When I was still trying to conceive I was anxious and I felt like I wanted to talk/write about it all the time. Now that I am pregnant, I realize I am going back to my old self. I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about all the other things I love and am interested in outside of having children. Of course I still talk and think about my pregnancy and becoming a Mom, but it doesn’t consume me. Not that infertility consumed me either, but it definitely took up more space in my head than being pregnant does. Now that I don’t have to worry about when and how I am going to have a family, I can finally just relax and let things unfold as they will.  It’s something I constantly tried to remind myself to do while I was still trying to conceive, but it comes much easier now.

At the very beginning of my pregnancy I was excited to talk about labour & delivery, breastfeeding and diaper changes, but I don’t want that to be all I talk and think about. Last week I met my best friend (who I call my sister) at Chapters for a coffee and a girl chat. We busted our guts laughing about things you can only laugh about with your girlfriends. We talked Christmas recipes, good documentaries on Netflix and our travel plans. It was great. Andino and I love to talk about travelling, his music and our big dreams for the future. Now that we don’t have to stress about how much of our savings will be poured into how we will create our family, we can be excited about other things the future may hold. I used to say things like “we might be able to go to Hard Rock next year…  depending on how the adoption expenses go…” now we don’t have to worry about that!

Don’t get me wrong. I still had lots of fun over the past couple years. I still spent lots of time thinking about and doing things I enjoy, but it’s different now. There’s not an underlying river of stress. The girls at work have noticed the change in me, and it makes me happy. I always felt like I was doing a good job dealing with the stress, and I suppose I was. But dealing with it and getting rid of it are two completely different things.

I’ve been so relaxed about being pregnant and preparing for the baby. It has been a very pleasant surprise. If you had asked me a couple years ago what I thought I would be like once I became pregnant, I would have told you that I’d be spending hours looking at nursery designs on Pinterest (which I did in the beginning, but quickly lost interest). I thought I’d be buying lots of baby stuff and reading every baby book I could get my hands on. But it’s not been that way. I am not consumed by all things baby. Now that a baby is finally on the way, my stress levels are at the lowest they have been in years. It is so much easier to live in the now.

To just be me again.

27 thoughts on “To Just Be Me Again

  1. This is awesome. I also lost interest in the breastfeeding and baby care and nursurys when I realize how LONG pregnancy is! I am taking it one day at a time cause we have a long way to go and a lot of steps to get there! But not having an IVF schedule hovering over my head certainly helps me relax! So glad you are doing well

  2. Yes. I’m right there with you, and I’m so glad that we’ve been able to return to this place. I’ve checked out at least 12 pregnancy, parenting, or breastfeeding books from the library, but aside from a multiple book that focuses on nutrition, I have had to return every single one after having only read 30 pages or less. I think a lot of parenting will come naturally to me (and I was a nanny for several years, so I’m not going Indy it completely in the dark). And I believe my meditation/yoga practice will prepare me for labor and delivery as well as many childbirth classes (and again, I’m not going in blind; I know the basics; but I trust my body).

    Anyway. So glad infertility has released it’s grip on your every thought. It took me awhile. But it’s so freeing, isn’t it?

    • It’s definitely so freeing.

      I agree, I feel like a lot of parenting will come naturally to me as well. I don’t want to focus too much on what the books say and instead focus on what feels right.

  3. I love that quote. I very much need to remember that.
    I let go of a lot of the stress once I was pregnant, too. I had been thinking I was a little disconnected, but I like relaxed better. Just switching that word changes so much about how I feel about my pregnancy. I had a pile of pregnancy books that I never read. I just couldn’t be bothered after all the research and worry with IF. I needed to just let it happen. I now have a few parenting books I want to read but just haven’t. Maybe I’ll get around to them after the holidays.

  4. This sounds so balanced and healthy. Pregnancy is a state of being that lasts longer than only a moment. In other words, laugh goes on. I’m glad that being pregnant has healed you enough to allow you to enjoy different facets of your life. Keep us posted about the many sides of you !

    • Yes, life does go on and I think it’s a bit surprising to realize that, when being pregnant was my biggest focus for so long. I am excited to mature in other areas of my life now.

  5. I’m so glad you’ve been able to live in the NOW and simply enjoy life, and as a result, your pregnancy. It will go by quickly, and as you near the end, I’m sure you will start thinking about all those things again. But you don’t have to right now. As for your blog, I enjoy whatever it is you choose to write about! Doesn’t need to have anything to do with baby making, pregnancy, or anything along those lines.

    • It definitely goes by fast! It feels like just yesterday I got the phone call telling me I was pregnant, and I’m already almost half way through!

      I’m glad you’re interested in reading more than just the pregnancy stuff 🙂

  6. Great news. This is really resonating with me. I’ve spent 2 and a half years consumed with TTC and living in the future. I’m finding the transition quite hard. I wish i was as relaxed as you.

  7. I think it’s wonderful that you are feeling like yourself again after dealing with the grief and disappointment of infertility for so long. I hope when it’s my turn I can also be joyful and optimistic!

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